


The Fall

by florencedrunk



Series: The Changing of the Seasons [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Wanda is not really mcu!Wanda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 23:06:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10627041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florencedrunk/pseuds/florencedrunk
Summary: The woman comes into the apartment and sits on the chair opposite to James. Two men in black suits follow her, stopping on either side of the door — he recognizes the objects inside their holsters as the stun-guns that Tony showed him some time ago: they're bodyguards."Afraid I might hurt you?" he asks her.She laughs. "Captain Rogers requested them, actually, right after I said I didn't want him or any of your friends here with us," she says. "I think he's afraid I might hurt you."





	

The woman comes into the apartment and sits on the chair opposite to James. Two men in black suits follow her, stopping on either side of the door — he recognizes the objects inside their holsters as the stun-guns that Tony showed him some time ago: they're bodyguards.

"Afraid I might hurt you?" he asks her.

She laughs. "Captain Rogers requested them, actually, right after I said I didn't want him or any of your friends here with us," she says. "I think he's afraid _I_ might hurt _you_."

"Should _I_ be afraid?"

"The world's a horrible place: of course you should be afraid," she responds. "But not of me. I'm here to help."

"Help me how?"

"You have something inside your mind that you want to get out," she says. "I can show you how to do that."

"That's what you did when you took down the Hulk?" he asks. He has watched the footage countless times since Steve showed it to him — it looks like something out of a movie: a half destroyed city, a green giant punching his way through the buildings, and a small girl dressed in red, unarmed, walking towards him. The camera is shaking and the lighting is all messed up, but what happens is clear: the girl raises both her hands and the giant falls to his knees, screaming out in pain, slowly turning into a human.

"I didn't take him down. I put Dr. Banner back in control."

"That's what you plan to do with me?" he asks. "Put me back in control?"

"No, Mr. Barnes, I'm afraid you'll have to do that on your own. I'm here merely to help you through the process."

"It's James — you can call me James."

"Okay, James, do you know my name?"

"I know what people call you, but I don't think you like it very much."

"And why's that?"

"Just guessing."

"You guessed wrong, then," she says. "I'm quite fond of that name. You know why they call me that?"

"Why?"

"For the same reason people call you the Winter Soldier," she explains. "They are scared."

"You killed someone?"

"I saved someone," she says. "But humans fear what they can't understand — isn't that what they say?"

"That's not true," he says, shifting in his chair. "Humans fear what they can't control."

"Is that what you think?"

"I have seen a lot of wars," he says. "That's what I _know_."

"Interesting," she says. "My name is Wanda Maximoff, and I look forward to working with you, James."

 

* * *

 

"How did it go?" Steve asks the moment James opens the door.

"Fine," he says, letting him in. "We just talked. I think next time we'll start the weird magic stuff."

"Good, good," Steve says as if he hadn't heard a single word of what James just said. "You know you can stop whenever you want, right? If you feel uncomfortable or anything, I mean."

"Stop babysitting me, punk."

"What?"

"You understood me the first time."

"I did, but I don't understand what you mean."

"Really, you don't?" he asks, crossing his arms. "You really don't realize what you've been doing since you... _found_ me?"

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm just worried, is all."

"At least, now you know what's like to be me."

 

* * *

 

Looking at Dr. Banner, it's hard to imagine the green beast raging inside of him. He looks very... calm, in an almost unnerving way. He introduces himself, shaking James' hand, and his eyes linger briefly on the metal arm.

"I'm Bruce Banner," he says. "Call me Bruce, please."

James mutters his own name, and then they sit on the purple mats on the ground. It's a strangely warm day, so they decided to go on the roof of the tower. It's... nice.

"How are you feeling today, James?"

"Fine."

"Fine?" he asks. "You're not nervous, anxious?"

"About what? Being a few feet away from the Hulk?"

"I was wondering how you felt about having Wanda inside your head, but, yeah, I guess that counts too."

"I want _him_ out. I'll do whatever it takes."

"And what happens after that?" he asks. "You don't have to answer that right away. Just... think about it."

 

* * *

 

"You're really quiet today," Sam says. "Well, quieter."

The truth is that he doesn't really know what to say. He's been thinking about Bruce's question all night. Soon, he'll start working with Wanda, and—

"I don't like keeping secrets," he says.

"You don't have to have secrets."

"But I do," he says. "There are things that I can't burden other people with, and things that are better left untold — things that I'm scared to even think, let alone say out loud."

"Is this about coming out to Steve?" he asks. "'Cause that's not something that you owe him, or anyone else. I said that I thought you should tell him, but I didn't mean to pressure you."

"No, it's not that. Not _just_ that."

"What is it, then?"

"It's just... he knew me from before," he explains. "And he still thinks I'm that person, but what if I'm not?"

"Do you know that people learn about the two of you at school? Like, actual historians with PhDs have written whole books about your friendships: _Best friends since childhood, Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable on both schoolyard and battlefield._ " Sam says, repeating the last part from memory. "You really think anything could ever change that?"

"But what if— what if I want it to change?"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

 

* * *

 

"Before we begin, I need to make sure you understand what we're going to do," Wanda says. "We're about to get inside your head, your memory. We won't be able to interact with what's going on, obviously, but I need you to tell me if you see anything that's out of place or stuff like that."

James nods.

"If you feel distressed, just tell me," she says. "I should be able to know it on my own, but tell me anyway, okay?"

"Understood."

"Close your eyes, then," she says. "Think of when it all began."

He does as he's told, and feels a chill wind moving all around him. The ground crumbles beneath his feet, and he falls down the rabbit hole. All the air is sucked up from his lungs — he doesn't open his eyes, doesn't think he could if he wanted to. He just keeps falling, and then lands softly.

"You can open your eyes, now," Wanda says. "Tell me where we are."

The apartment is gone. They're far away from it, on the other side of the ocean, in a place that he tries very hard not to think about.

"Austria, 1943," he answers. "This is where they made me."

And there he is — the younger him — strapped to a metal table in the middle of a dimly lit room. There's a sound echoing through the darkness: it's his own voice.

_James Buchanan Barnes, Sergeant, 32557038_

_James Buchanan Barnes, Sergeant, 32557038_

_James Buchanan Barnes, Sergeant, 32557—_

"I was with the 107th Infantry Regiment," James starts explaining. "We were on the Italian front — Azzano. We were ambushed by the Germans. We should have died right then."

"But?"

"But then a tank appeared from nowhere. It was a German one, but it started shooting at the other Germans, killing them. The bodies didn't drop to the ground, they were just... vaporized. When they were done, they captured all of us and took us here."

"I don't understand," Wanda says. "The Nazis had a weapon that powerful, and they were still experimenting on people?"

"It's like I said: people fear what they can't control, and Zola was smart — he knew that he couldn't control those weapons, and he knew that if he could create a soldier as strong as the Red Skull, and be able to control him, he could make a real difference."

"This Zola — show him to me."

"I don't have to," he says, pouting to the corner of the room. "He's right here."

The hideous man is cleaning his glasses on his white lab coat. Once he's done, he takes a syringe from the table and checks if it's ready. The bright blue liquid seems to be boiling inside of the transparent barrel, and Bucky's eyes are fixed on the long needle as the doctor gets closer and closer to him.

"You'll make a good one, Sergeant Barnes," he says.

"No, stop!" Bucky begs. "Please, don't do it! Stop! Stop! No!"

There are tears running down his face as he tries to free himself from the ropes that keep him down, but Zola doesn't stop, and then—

Wanda's eyes burn red for a second, and times seems to freeze. The needle is inches away from Bucky's arm, and the doctor's face is stuck in a twisted smile.

"What are you feeling right now?" she asks.

James doesn't respond.

"You understand that I can read your mind, right?" she tells him. "Not talking won't do you any good."

"I feel... pity," he says.

"Pity?" she asks "For yourself?"

"For him."

"But he's you."

"No, I'm him — I _was_ him," he says. "But he died the moment I was born."

"But you lived through this. These things were done to you," she says. "If we keep going, you'll have to uncover what you felt while it happened, to face your fear, your pain. Are you sure you're ready?"

"Yes."

 

* * *

 

"Natasha," he starts. "Was he— was I kind to you?"

The woman turns to face him — she looks... worried is not the right word, but it comes close enough, he thinks. She reaches for the remote, and the TV screen goes black.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I need to know if I'm worth all of this."

She lets out a cackle. "I remember asking myself the same thing," she says. "Am I worth being saved? Do I deserve to be?"

"And?"

"And I don't think I have the answer to that, not yet. But Clint thinks I do — Clint thinks everyone does."

"Do you?"

"I don't know."

"You were the first one to come and see me."

"I was."

"You spoke Russian to me."

"I did."

"What did you say?"

"I don't remember."

"Neither do I," he says. "But I dream of it, sometimes."

"And what do I say, in your dreams?"

"They kind of nonsense people say in dreams," he says. "It's not important."

Natasha just nods and goes to turn back towards the TV, but James takes her hands in his.

"They took you away from your family," he begins. "They took your name from you. They poured my blood inside your veins, and they made you into their monster. Still, here you are. You do deserve to be saved."

"So do you."

 

* * *

 

James comes out of the shower and looks at his reflection in the mirror. Looking back at him, there's a younger, leaner man — no metal arm, no scars, no long hair. His eyes look like they're actually alive, just like the things that hide behind them — dreams, hopes, a love he knew he could never confess.

"You're a liar," James tells him. "You know, right?"

"Why do you say that?" Bucky asks from inside the mirror.

"Because everyone here wants me to be you," he says. "They want me to be carefree, funny, happy — they have no idea that you were not like that at all."

"I wasn't?"

"Not really. Not when you were alone."

 

* * *

 

"You thought about what I asked you?" Bruce asks. It's raining, so their inside, this time.

"I did."

"You have an answer?"

"Not really," he says. "I thought— when they brought me here, I thought I wanted revenge."

"Now?"

"Now, I don't know."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Scared."

"Scared?"

"Not in a bad way, though, I think."

 

* * *

 

"Show me what happened after Steve saved you from Austria," Wanda says.

A moment later, they're in a bar in London, and Bucky Barnes is about to make the most important choice of his life. The place is noisier than James remembers, brighter, but calmer at the same time.

"This is when Steve asked me to join his team," he explains.

"You said yes, obviously," she says. "Why?"

"Because he asked. What else could I have said?"

"You had just spent days behind enemy lines, being tortured, experimented on. You could have gone back home."

"And then what?" he asks. "He would've been on his own, in the middle of a war."

"I'm not saying you made a bad choice, James," she explains. "Even if that were true, there would be no use telling you that. What I want to know — what I need you to tell yourself — is the reason why you said yes to him."

"I just— I had to watch his back."

"There were a lot of people who could do that."

"But the others weren't me, they didn't—"

"They didn't love him," Wanda says, and, suddenly, James can taste the whiskey Bucky's drinking burning in his throat. "Not like you did."

"And even if I said no, Steve would have ended up on that plane," he says. "Then, what?"

"You could have gone on with your life."

"No, I couldn't have."

"Then, why did you think that he could have?"

"He had Peggy."

"He did, and then he saw you fall from the train, and crashed a plane into the ocean."

"That's not what happened. He didn't have any other choice."

"Oh, come on, he's Captain America," she says. "Of course he had another choice."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That, sometimes, if you want to find out something, you just have to ask."

 

* * *

 

"How did you know you loved Clint?" he asks Natasha.

"How did you know you loved Steve?"

"What?"

"You're not a good liar, James."

 

* * *

 

"Sam, how do you know if you love someone?"

"I don't know, man, it's always different," Sam responds. "My first girlfriend was one of my best friends, so it just sort of happened. With Riley, it was completely different—"

"I thought Riley was a man."

"He _was_ a man."

"But you said— and I thought."

"Bisexuality is a thing, buddy."

"What?"

"People can like both men _and_ women, and everyone in between and outside of that binary."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh."

 

* * *

 

"You know what comes next," Wanda says. "Are you ready?"

"I don't think I'll ever be," he responds. "Let's go."

They fall back into the red vortex, just like they have countless times before. Except that he keeps falling even after they arrive at their destination, red light replaced by white snow, gelid air burning against his skin.

He calls for Wanda, and hears Wanda calling back for him. He falls, and falls, and falls. He doesn't think he'll ever land.

 

* * *

 

The room is dark and cold and there's nothing or no one except for himself.

"Wanda?" he calls. "Where are you? What happened?"

Nothing.

"Wanda?"

The name echoes through the void.

"She's not here," he hears his own voice say. "She finally realized you're a lost cause."

The Winter Soldier is not wearing the muzzle, and his pale face is all that is visible of him in the darkness. Just like the last time, scarlet tentacles keep James trapped.

"You're pathetic," the soldier says with a smile on his face. "You dare to hope, you think you can leave me behind. You think you can have a life, but you have died a long time ago, and I think it's time you'd realize it."

He moves like a snake, sliding on the floor until he's so close that James can feel his warm breath on his skin.

"You should just give up," he hisses. "It would save you a lot of trouble, wouldn't it?"

The soldier's tongue is rough against James' ear, and his metal hand cold around his neck. The other hand slides down his chest and his stomach. It stops there, fingers playing with the belt loops of James' pants.

"Just give in to me, let me take control. I can make you feel real good."

"No," James says. "Please, no."

 

* * *

 

He's back in the cell — the one that's white and warm. There's a bed with a mattress that's too soft and sheets that are too clean. But this time, he's not alone: Clint's there.

"It happened again," James says.

Clint nods.

"Did I hurt anyone?"

"No," the man says. Then, he takes a chair from the corner of the room and drags it closer to the bed. "Have I ever told you about that time the Norse God of mischief used a cosmic artifact to control my mind?"

"I don't think you have."

"Sit tight, then. It's a long story."

 

* * *

 

"The first time we met, you referred to the Winter Soldier as _him_. You remember that?" Bruce asks. He waits for James to nod, and then continues. "For you, he's an external force, a foe to battle, something to uproot. Have you ever tried to think of him as something different from that?"

"Like what, a friend?"

"Not necessarily," he says. "More like as a part of yourself."

 

* * *

 

"Are you okay?" he asks Wanda.

"I should be asking you that, you know?"

"I was the one who attacked you."

"I was the one who lost control and left you stranded in the darkest corner of your mind."

"I found the Winter Soldier, though," he says. "That's good."

Wanda nods. "We'll be more careful next time, have someone in the room with us."

"Sure," he says. "Can I— can I show you something?"

Wanda extends her arm, offering him his hand. Bucky takes it.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Happiness."

The cell becomes red, and then turns into the Barnes' living room in 1927. Ten-years-old Bucky Barnes is sitting on the floor, with a younger girl sitting in front of him. He's braiding her hair — or trying to.

"Not like that!" the girl yells.

"How are you even seeing what I'm doing?" Bucky asks.

"I just know," she says. "Start over."

Wanda is smiling. "I'm surprised," she says.

"Why, because Steve's not here?" James asks. "Contrary to popular belief, my life doesn't revolve around him."

"What's her name?" she asks.

"Becca," he says. "Her name is Becca."

"I have an older brother too — _had_ , actually," she says. "She's still alive?"

"Yes."

"Does she know you are?"

"No."

"You should tell her."

 

* * *

 

The night he goes back to the apartment, he can't seem to be able to fall asleep. He just sits in the living room, with the lights off and the windows obscured, trying not to think about anything. Then, JARVIS coughs, catching his attention.

"Yes?"

"SIR, THERE'S SOMETHING FOR YOU AT THE DOOR."

"What is it?"

"I'M NOT AWARE," the AI responds.

"Thank you, JARVIS," he says.

Waiting for him, he finds a rectangular box sealed with brown duct tape and labeled _Smithsonian Institution_. He takes it inside, and only then notices a note attached to it.

 

> From Tony & Pepper

As soon as he removes the lid and sees the dark blue fabric, he knows what this is. He runs a hand over the front of the jacket, and then takes it out of the box. He remembers seeing it in DC — it's way too small for him, and whoever made it got the collar wrong, but he can't bring himself to care: it's perfect.

But there's something else at the bottom of the box: a small red metallic object.

"IT'S A THUMB DRIVE, SIR. THERE'S A USB PORT ON YOUR LAPTOP, I BELIEVE."

He takes his computer from the coffee table and turns it on, putting the thumb drive where JARVIS told him. There's only one file inside, and when he clicks on it, a video fills the screen.

"A symbol to the nation. A hero to the world. The story of Captain America is one of honor, bravery, and sacrifice," the narrator begins.

 

* * *

 

"I'm about to tell you something that you don't know," he tells Steve. "You might get angry."

"I won't get angry at you."

"It's not— it's not just me I'm talking about," he explains. "Just listen to what I tell you, and wait until I'm done. And remember that it was my choice not to tell you until now."

"Okay, I will. I swear."

"Okay," James says, taking a deep breath. "It all started after the war, when Hydra brought me to Russia..."

 

* * *

 

"You told Steve," Natasha says from the doorway of his bedroom. How did she even get in?

"What did he tell you?"

"He's just — he's trying to make sense of it," she answers. "I don't think he wants to talk to me, right now."

"I don't think he wants to talk to _me_ , right now."

"It won't last long, though," she says, sitting in the bed next to him. "We're too awesome to ignore."

James laughs. He actually laughs. "Wanda is coming in a few minutes," he says.

"You want me to leave?"

"I want you to stay, actually."

"Sure."

 

* * *

 

Red flames bring him back to the Alps and inside Bucky's body. Again, he's falling down, watching the mountains disappear into the mist. This time, he knows what to do.

 

* * *

 

He's back in the cavern made of bones, and he's alone — until the Winter Soldier arrives, that is. He materializes from thin air, still unmasked, and stands there, without saying a word.

"I wanted to talk to you," James says. No response. He takes a step forward. "I wanted to talk to you about what happened to you," he says. "About the things Hydra did to you, the things they made you do, the things they took away from you."

"Hydra made me who I am."

"Exactly."

The Soldier is not made of flesh and blood, but of smoke and shadows. Like a ghost, he moves towards James, knife in hand. James tries to dodge the blade, but the Soldier is faster, and cuts through fabric and flesh. James takes a small step back, getting ready to attack, but something hits him in the back of his legs. He falls, and the Soldier appears over him.

"You don't have to do this," he pleads.

"Of course I do."

There are cracks all over the white walls of the cavern, and the whole place is shaking as if it should crumble any second, now. James looks the Soldier in his eyes, and hopes for the best.

"I forgive you," he says. "None of what you did was your fault, but I forgive you."

The Soldier smiles, and James feels the metal blade thrusting between his ribs. He lets out a pained noise, feeling the blood gushing out of the wound. Then, he feels something wet falling on his cheek, like a raindrop — a single tear escaped from the Soldier's eyes.

"I forgive you," James repeats. "You're forgiven."

The Soldier stops moving, and then he starts shaking, sobbing. He collapses onto James, who wraps his arms around him, holding him close.

"It's alright," James whispers. "It's alright."

For a moment, the Soldier hugs him back, and then he's gone.

 

* * *

 

The elevator doors open, and Steve is waiting for him in Tony's lab.

"You're here," James says.

"I promised you."

"That's the only reason you're here?"

"No."

"Good."

"Good."

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me [here](http://florencedrunk.tumblr.com) on tumblr. Come say hi!


End file.
